Church Ladies with Typewriters

As a kid, the ONLY thing that made church bearable was proofreading the church bulletin....there was at least one gem a week, and even if all I found was a typo it was enough for my snotty teenage self to drive my mother bonkers (these days not even a church lady with a typewriter is enough to get me thru those church doors, but that will be a story for another day).

For now, here are some of the best from this year's church bulletins:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you.

---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."

---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

---------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will
follow.

--------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come
early and listen to our choir practice.

---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you
want remembered.

---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back
door.

---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"