The House of Corrections

Richard Lederer presents his lastest list of students' gaffes and botched spellings. Oh to be this creative:

• No sooner had the Hebrews left the Mess in Potamia safely behind them than they found themselves caught up in the Fatal Crescent.
• Pharos, the Egyptian King, decried that the Hebrews should be drafted into farced labor building the Pyrenees and that if any of them bulked, they should be put into stocks and bonds.
• All Gaul was quartered into three halves.
• In ancient Rome, women had a high risk of childbirth.
• Joan of Arc is a true mortar and a true heroine.
• A landmark in Paris is the Eyeful Tower.
• An Indian woman squatted over the campfire in one teepee, and you could smell the fresh meat cooking.
• Martha Stewart sewed the American flag.

And quite possibly not a mistake:

• Someone who runs for an office he already holds is called an incompetent.
  

Church Ladies with Typewriters

As a kid, the ONLY thing that made church bearable was proofreading the church bulletin....there was at least one gem a week, and even if all I found was a typo it was enough for my snotty teenage self to drive my mother bonkers (these days not even a church lady with a typewriter is enough to get me thru those church doors, but that will be a story for another day).

For now, here are some of the best from this year's church bulletins:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will
follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come
early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you
want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back
door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"